Although they were sweet kids, they often engaged in aggression, self-injury and property destruction. The younger one dislocated her knee during a tantrum from kicking her feet on the floor. The older one created dips in the floor from his jumping. Both used communication apps and constantly demanded their favorite foods and activities. Although this was something we taught them as part of mand training, it resulted in their mother constantly catering to their whims. 

They antagonized each other and triggered tantrums that caused the neighbors to call the police out of concern. If the doors and windows weren’t locked with a key, the younger one would get out and wander around town. She was found at the local library more than once. 

And I wasn’t able to help them.

At least not at first.

My parent training goals for the mother involved helping her understand the function of her children’s behavior. I knew things needed to change at home for their behavior to get better. I wanted her to see how her behavior reinforced some of the challenging behavior I wanted to reduce from her children. I taught her to use some of the interventions we used during sessions. These were goals that my supervisor and I determined based on the current treatment plan. It’s how we always set goals.

But this approach doesn’t work. 

Frustrated and ready to give up, I decided to dramatically change my approach. Rather than starting with what I thought should be taught, I began learning what was important to the mother. I asked her why she wasn’t using the interventions we used during sessions.  She told me she just didn’t see how she could use the interventions I recommended or how they were going to help.

Through our conversations, I learned that she valued watching her children become more independent.  And that she was really worried about what would happen to them as she got older. Changing the challenging behavior didn’t address any of these things. I needed to take a new approach that took into consideration the skills and behaviors that were most important to her.

I went back to my training plan and took a fresh approach, one that focused on skills she wanted her children to learn – not the ones I wanted to teach. Almost immediately she started putting what we covered in training into practice.

Situations like this happen every day in our field. Through my experience I know that if we, as a profession, change our approach to parent training we can make an even greater impact on our clients’ lives. This is why I’ve put what I’ve learned into a repeatable framework anyone can use. One that actually works.